Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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