Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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