He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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