there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
