Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize