if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
wanna go halves on a baby?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
