I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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