I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
