smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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