I hate your face
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
