My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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