i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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