lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
