i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
