he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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