I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
