i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
