On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
