I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i love accidental penises.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
