Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize