It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
