after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
