forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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