We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
