He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
