My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Randomize