I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I want her autograph on my taint
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You left your phone here
Wait...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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