her vagine was all disorganized.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize