do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
