I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
