I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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