i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
