dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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