Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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