You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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