singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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