In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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