and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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