If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
