i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize