I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
