so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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