I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
