I wish my penis had an off switch
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
