Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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