Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
