Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
