fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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