Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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