my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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