I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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