i don't like sucking hair
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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