i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
