And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize