put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
