____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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