I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
